Thursday, September 1, 2011

Some reasons I have felt old this week....

Hair from a witch I once met.....

1. I heard the Katy Perry song "Last Friday Night"  the other day and it didn't make me wanna do fun things. It makes me feel embarrassed and also want to drink a lot of water. And delete my facebook from college.

2. I was watering my garden the other day (old) and I remembered a dream that I had. My ENTIRE dream was that was my lettuce had grown. Not even a lot. It was barely even a dream. I just knew that in my dream my lettuce was a little bigger than it was now. It officially was one of the most depressing dreams of my life. My lettuce wasn't even flourishing. I wasted mental capacity and a fantasy about my lettuce being just a littttttle bigger. 

3. Also.... speaking of my garden..  one of the things I want most in life is this super fancy hose I found at OSH (old). I literally think of it every day when I am watering. I imagine the extreme luxury of this blue super thin, coiled, awesome one hundred million different setting hose, while grumbling at how hard the lever is on my hose. I am a grumpy old man.... dreaming of a hose. It's so sad.

4. I saw this really cute shirt the other day online, and I clicked to see where it was from... LL Bean. Gosh. Might as well freakin monogram my shorts. I thought I was transitioning well in to my late 20s by buying things for work from Anne Taylor occasionally and feeling slightly ashamed. Nope. LL... here I come.....Bean that is. Not Cool J. When I go to Forever 21 I have to pretend I am shopping for my teenage daughter as I am horrified openly about crop tops (THANK YOU JESUS that I am old enough that this is not a fashion trend I MUST follow... phew). Fellow 26 year olds who can pull off the crop top trend still (SK).... I secretly wish a slow slow metabolism on you.

5. When I hear lyrics to songs on the radio I don't think how the song is awesome.... I wonder if these guy's lines have ever worked for anyone. 
 For instance the classic Pitbull masterpiece:
Tonight I will love love you tonight
Give me everything tonight
For all we know we might not get tomorrow
Let's do it tonight
Has this ever worked? And if so...who was this girl's mother? Did she have a poor father figure? These are the unfortunate questions running through my head...

6. The other day at dinner the person behind me talking about his friend said, "He has a really old girlfriend, shes like.... 24...". Upon which I immediately choked on my Sake and tried not to punch the kid in the head.

7. Lately... I have been finding gray hairs. I'm not talking little ones. I have no idea where they come from, but they are full grown broom stick witch hairs. Like.... the length of the rest of my hair. HOW. DOES. THIS. HAPPEN. It is one of life's greatest mysteries.... clearly if I saw it at an inch I'd pull that crap out... but no... it always makes it to the full length of my hair. 

8. I have a wrinkle in the middle of my forehead that tans.... or rather doesn't tan. I look like I have gone to a religious ceremony of some odd sort because when I lay out I don't tan in the middle of my head... rather there just maintains a nice white streak down the middle of my forehead from squinting in the sun. I sometimes find myself pulling my eyebrows apart so that the middle of my forehead tans. It is a horrible truth.

9. I used to post pictures of fun parties or good times on facebook. My latest picture was of a zucchini and a carrot that I grew. Nuff said.


  1. Laughed my way through this. Both because your writing is hysterical and also because I can relate so much!