Thursday, December 13, 2012

How I paid 68 dollars to NOT watch Charlie St. Cloud...and other nonsense

So... lost you all for a while.. but this is about to come back in full force. Because I moved to New York. And because everyday life is far too absurd to not talk about here. I would have way more to talk about if it weren't for HIPPA violations... as I am working in downtown brooklyn at a rehab... but that's neither here nor there...

Recent drivel:

1) Sitting next to me while I was getting coffee at my local coffee place... were two girl clowns. In clown garb. Talking crap about another girl clown. This other clown apparently was trying to steal all of the attention at some kind of function. I kid you not. I'm sorry lady are BOTH wearing full clown outfits in a coffee shop. Pleaseeee do not talk about someone trying to steal attention? Honk honk.

2) I am very nervous about accidentally pushing someone on to the subway tracks. Not because I AM the subway pusher. But because I really have to control myself not to be. Because it's soooo easy. It's like how you feel when you stand on the edge of the grand canyon... like you wanna jump. Not because you wanna die. But because you aren't supposed to jump. Or how when someone is standing next to a pool you want to push someone in.  Except this is the subway. And then you will be the subway pusher. And have to go to jail. So I stand far away from the tracks... because it's not the same as pushing someone in the pool. Cause then you are psychopath.

3) I think I am watching too much House. Every time I cough I expect blood to come out. Or out of my ears when I get a headache. It happens all the time on House. Like... at least once an episode. I guess not in real life though.

4) I have recently realized that I have paid about 68 dollars to NOT watch Charlie St. Cloud (from here on said movie shall be referred to as CSC). Here is the math. I accidentally got CSC because it skipped something on my netflix queue that wasn't available. I had planned to delete Netflix bc I wasn't watching shows aymore. Then CSC came to my house so I couldn't cancel ... but I thought... well... I have it... I should watch it then cancel Netflix. Then I had it for a month. Then I thought... ok now you really have to watch it because you have had this movie for a month... and I never wanted to. Then I started getting hostile about it and resenting said CSC movie. After 3 months of feeling guilty about CSC. I moved houses and decided to cancel my Netflix subscription... give up... and finally return CSC. Upon which I could not find CSC. Then I had to BUY Charlie St. Cloud for TWENTY DOLLARS. Now I own/don't own Charlie St. Cloud.... for about 70 dollars

3x 16$ - 48
1x 20$ - 20

5) Recently my parents revealed to me that I had a toy skeleton when I was little. Said skeleton was named Boney-Niner (something to do with the 49ers... I dunno I was a weird kid). I then clearly shortened the nickname to "boner" as any child would and they LET ME as they could not explain to me why this was inappropriate. This I find to be one of the more humiliating things I have ever done. I remember that little skeleton friend. Poor skeleton. Poor child me.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

some gems in picture form

Discovered this little gem at work. 
A client had given this old school aviator pilot a sweet stache. 

 Caption should read "Former New Jersey governor goes undercover as one of the 7 dwarves". 
Is this guy serious. Could he look any more like Sleepy?

 Yes, very much the same.

A terrible day to be a woman. Or a man maybe? This was one day on the local news page.
-Woman behind bars after allegedly burglarizing vehicles
-Two women sentenced for deadly shooting in May
-Two women indicted in Isla Vista homicide
-Paso Robles Woman sentenced for forging signatures
-Update:Woman who was killed crossing the street identified
-Homeless woman strangled. 

The most depressing trending topics. 
Stacey Dash, Rachel Weisz, Jack Osbourne, Elton John, Bankruptcy, Kenan Thompson, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Unemployment, Cataloupe deaths and Fish oil. 
Step up your game people. 

 Seems they may have highlighted the less important part.

A fantastic pose. Nothing more to be said.


I threw away my coffee trash. 
But then I thrashed the crap out of it.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Some reasons I have felt old this week....

Hair from a witch I once met.....

1. I heard the Katy Perry song "Last Friday Night"  the other day and it didn't make me wanna do fun things. It makes me feel embarrassed and also want to drink a lot of water. And delete my facebook from college.

2. I was watering my garden the other day (old) and I remembered a dream that I had. My ENTIRE dream was that was my lettuce had grown. Not even a lot. It was barely even a dream. I just knew that in my dream my lettuce was a little bigger than it was now. It officially was one of the most depressing dreams of my life. My lettuce wasn't even flourishing. I wasted mental capacity and a fantasy about my lettuce being just a littttttle bigger. 

3. Also.... speaking of my garden..  one of the things I want most in life is this super fancy hose I found at OSH (old). I literally think of it every day when I am watering. I imagine the extreme luxury of this blue super thin, coiled, awesome one hundred million different setting hose, while grumbling at how hard the lever is on my hose. I am a grumpy old man.... dreaming of a hose. It's so sad.

4. I saw this really cute shirt the other day online, and I clicked to see where it was from... LL Bean. Gosh. Might as well freakin monogram my shorts. I thought I was transitioning well in to my late 20s by buying things for work from Anne Taylor occasionally and feeling slightly ashamed. Nope. LL... here I come.....Bean that is. Not Cool J. When I go to Forever 21 I have to pretend I am shopping for my teenage daughter as I am horrified openly about crop tops (THANK YOU JESUS that I am old enough that this is not a fashion trend I MUST follow... phew). Fellow 26 year olds who can pull off the crop top trend still (SK).... I secretly wish a slow slow metabolism on you.

5. When I hear lyrics to songs on the radio I don't think how the song is awesome.... I wonder if these guy's lines have ever worked for anyone. 
 For instance the classic Pitbull masterpiece:
Tonight I will love love you tonight
Give me everything tonight
For all we know we might not get tomorrow
Let's do it tonight
Has this ever worked? And if so...who was this girl's mother? Did she have a poor father figure? These are the unfortunate questions running through my head...

6. The other day at dinner the person behind me talking about his friend said, "He has a really old girlfriend, shes like.... 24...". Upon which I immediately choked on my Sake and tried not to punch the kid in the head.

7. Lately... I have been finding gray hairs. I'm not talking little ones. I have no idea where they come from, but they are full grown broom stick witch hairs. Like.... the length of the rest of my hair. HOW. DOES. THIS. HAPPEN. It is one of life's greatest mysteries.... clearly if I saw it at an inch I'd pull that crap out... but no... it always makes it to the full length of my hair. 

8. I have a wrinkle in the middle of my forehead that tans.... or rather doesn't tan. I look like I have gone to a religious ceremony of some odd sort because when I lay out I don't tan in the middle of my head... rather there just maintains a nice white streak down the middle of my forehead from squinting in the sun. I sometimes find myself pulling my eyebrows apart so that the middle of my forehead tans. It is a horrible truth.

9. I used to post pictures of fun parties or good times on facebook. My latest picture was of a zucchini and a carrot that I grew. Nuff said.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Seal and Beyonce the venus fly trap

Humor according to my iPhone as of late 
(and not so late...)

If you look on ebay for boardshorts...this is the first thing that comes up.
It also is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

I am a bad daughter. On Father's day I went to the store... and here is what I found in the card section.

The only cards left were in spanish or of the "ebony" line... 

 So here is the card I got. I thought it was awesome. My dad just kind of looked at it confused. 
Happy Father's day dad. You had a weird daughter.

 To prevent spam... and to prevent me from emailing a friend because I am so confused as to how to type upside down.

This little convection hot plate is called the Hoe-1000. 
"Ya, let my hoe warm it up for you." 

 Kinda blurry but it says Mars-viv express and it advertises travel, dance, cable, cell energy and security. 
A little asisan man was driving.  Kinda confusing as to what you are calling about. 
I called him later to come over for a little dance and to discuss travel.

I got a Venus fly trap. It is so high maintenance and such a diva that I named it beyonce. It only drinks distilled water and needs to be in 70-90 degrees half the year and then the other half of the year it sleeps and needs to be in 50-60 degrees. It also does not eat doritos. Diva. Of course you wouldn't.

As dorky as it sounds I just so happened to google "California seals" to figure out what kind of seal I saw. I definitely did not come across West Hollywood. 

Just an interesting tomato I found at work. 

Friday, July 1, 2011

coffee with a side of milquetoast

Random raccoon bathroom graffiti. I forget where.

Some things I have thought about this week...

1. Popping my hood when there is something wrong with my car. I don't know why I do this. My car has been a goober lately and I think the battery is dying and it keeps not starting. Every time I think I should pop the hood and look under it. In public when it dies I want to do this. I would have NO IDEA what I would be looking for. The engine could be gone for all I know. The entire battery could be missing.  Short of there being a fire in the engine, I don't know what I would be looking for. I may gesture to the windshield wiper fluid and say... ahh yess.. there it is. I knew it. The esophogealcarbolophagus is shot. Phew. Easy.

2. Speaking of gesturing to the wiper fluid... I came in contact with the worst car saleslady in the world and I laughed out loud at her.  She had no idea what was under the hood either. She literally tried to sell a car by pointing to the wiper fluid holder-thingamajiggy... she said "This is nice. If you had a  cup of water you could put it in here". Hmmm yes. I have been looking for something to do with my cup of water. I should probably buy a 30k lexus so that I can put water in the windshield wiper fluid. Problem solved.

3. I think that the milk/sugar stations at coffee shops remind me of a watering hole for animals. People are just dominating their territory making sure they get their stir stick, sugar and milk before someone gets in. Then, its a race for the next person to butt in and stake their claim. I don't so much like people touching me or crowded places, so I am the animal who would die. Survival of the fittest.. and I don't want that elephant elbowing me for a splenda. Sure you big hippo, you take all of the milk, thanks. Ya no I didn't want any that's fine, I just have been waiting here 5 minutes. And don't look at me like..."ohh oops the milk is out?! Pssh this coffee shop"... I just saw you pour out half your coffee and fill it with milk. Order a latte next time and give me some milk too please. Clearly I am the hostile dead animal.

4. I read the most awesome paragraph in the world yesterday. It was about racketeering. I don't really understand racketeering, but whenever someone gets arrested for racketeering, it sounds really fun. Like a mickey mouse club tennis game or something. Sure sure... most likely the mob, drugs and killing, but racketeering is sure fun to say. Also.... it described someone as a milquetoast. I think this has to be one of the best words ever. It means someone who is weak, ineffectual, bland or spineless. I wish I had a band. I would call it milquetoast. Or... not-milquetoast. I dunno. You don't need to worry. I have no musical abilities.

5. This week I have been going to summer camp with one of my kids. I overheard a 5 year old kid explain to my 5 year old kid the definition of karma.

Kid 1- "Hey stop pulling the grass, it's bad karma."
Kid 2- "What? What's karma?"
Kid 1- "Oh it's like if you are bad, the earth will be bad to you."
Kid 2- "Ohhhhh ya. I had karma this week. It was like when I punched Jason in the crotch and then I ran in to a tree."
Kid 1- "Ya ya.. Karma..."


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Why are fish so thin?

I am done with school and may have a little time again. So... here are some things that have made me laugh lately....

 I don't believe that a stand up comic told this joke. If so, he is the worst stand up comic in the world.
I laughed out loud though... so.. that counts for something..

At the elementary school where I work with a kid sometimes. I wonder how many highly thought out 2nd grade "Your mom is a boy" jokes this spurred on for the poor kid. Also, if all this lady has going for her is she's this poor boys mom, she's gonna have it rough in about 5-10 years when he has her drop him off 3 blocks from school so he won't be seen with her. 

 #1 rule- Stop self-deprecating thoughts.  

 My heart my mom because my mom teachded me the grammars.

 The saddest giveaway pile at school. The epitome of manole. Just in case you can't see, there are graduation precious moments and bear figurines, like 15 video cassettes including one titled "Avoiding Common Discipline Mistakes", green hanging folders, a glasses case, a student health mousepad and a tree painting someone painted that nobody wants. 

 This is a psychologist we were supposed to be watching in class talk about something neurosciencey and important.... but I could not for the life of me listen to anything he was saying because he looked so much like Will Farrell pretending to be a psychologist that I didn't know what to do with myself. 

 Oh gosh. My luck day. Really? Free wire hangers?! Could it be! (see manole)

 Wow. A time control device? In Baja Fresh? This place is high tech. Serious profit margin on those tacos or something.

 This is actually just awesome and I needed to share with as many people as possible. 
Cut my bell pepper and there was a perfect sea horse. Felt weird about eating him.

Where did this guy go? Is nobody worried about spontaneous combustion becoming a real problem these days? Maybe he was just parked in the red and had to get outta there real fast... sans shoes. Can't let those shoes hold ya back when you need to make a quick exit.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Popeye and popcorn procrastination

Strong Arms Robbery.
 I'm supposed to be trying to graduate from my masters program... this week.. and writing millions of pages... but since I am trying to find any way possible to procrastinate... lemme tell you some things that have been distracting my mind....

1. Strong-Arm Robbery is weird. Every single time I hear the word Strong-Arm Robbery (which actually happens to be a lot lately because there are apparently a string of Strong-Arm Robberys taking place here) I think of Popeye with one big strong arm. And someone robbing people with this really strong arm... stealing all of their goods with their bulging bicep... while the other weak arm hangs out trying to help the big strong arm whenever possible. Or like someone who isn't super strong partaking in a Kinda-Strong-Arm Robbery.

2. The instant I ask a waitress what her favorite thing on the menu to order is or her recommendation, I am always mad at myself, because I know 99% that I won't order what she wants (whatta freak, come on... pick something normal girl) and then I will be forced to feel bad for not liking what she recommended and have to do one of these, "Hmmm ya....ok well I'm just gonna go with the salad. The Alaskan King Crab legs that you recommended are 87 dollars so of course you want me to order them. I don't believe that you even like them. I'm really sorry I have now personally offended you. Don't spit in my iced tea when I ask for a refill in 5 seconds. Can you bring me more iced tea? MMhmm thanks."

3. I think popcorn should be a litmus test for ADD. I have to buy twice as much popcorn. And my house always smells burnt. I will always walk away and forget about the first. It will be flaming charcoal hell when I get back to it. The second one I have to stay there. For 2 minutes. And it is the longest. I know I know. Set it for 2. But sometimes it doesn't pop all the way through. Oh my daily woes.

4. Every time I go home my dad asks me how my car is doing. If I were to ever say it was making noise, he would say, "Like what?". And then I would try to make the noise, very embarrassed all the while. And it wouldn't be good enough. Then I would find myself revving and screeching while he's getting frustrated. Right now my car is making this noise that sounds like a cooler with ice in it. This weekend he asked about my car. I said that it was fine because lord knows I can't even try to make that sound. If I could make millions of different car sounds you all should be worried.

5. I am growing a garden. Currently everything is growing except my little Armenian Cucumber. He's dying. I thought if I named him and loved him he would grow. I looked up Armenian names, and he's now Hambo.. which is excellent. Hambo is now growing. What's not growing is my jalapenos (eek word) because something (mexican bug, racoon with a broad taste palate, my cat we kicked out seeking revenge) keeps eating the whole jalapeno every time one starts to grow. I find it odd. I hope that sneeky spicy creature made delicious salsa, either that or choked to death. Sorry.