Monday, November 29, 2010

Dear Thanksgiving, I'm stuffed. Love, Cece & turkey

So... had a nice little thanksgiving break. Not quite back in the game yet...but wanted to share a few little gems I happened to stumble upon this week.

 Cruisin through the SB christmas events happening this week.  A holiday sale benefiting elephants? Elephants in their entirety. Just all elephants....everywhere. And you are selling cacti and accessories to benefit all elephants? Hm. 

Caption should read, "A passenger at Palm Beach International Airport is patted down by a TSA worker Wednesday in Palm Beach, Fla.... and then Thursday we published this picture everywhere and ruined his life". This poor college guy. Life done. Belly showing. TSA guy with his hands down his pants creating an awkward pic to say the least. Reppin his college sweats. Just trying to get home. Boom. His friends are posting this picture everywhere around his dorm... as is the associated press.  Also... Conan tweeted yesterday, "As if the TSA couldn't get any creepeier, today they announced they're changing their name to Uncle TSA". I found this to be hilarious. 

Yes. I was a participant in this 1,000 piece puzzle some of my residents were doing. Yes, this topless mermaid with huge hair is taking a little nap on that extremely uncomfortable looking dolphin. I swear the dolphin looks creeped out... or is creepy and smiling... I can't tell. Either way, it makes me feel weird inside.  Also not in the photo: a giant field of rainbow crystals to the right and some weird floating energy orb on the left... but I felt this to be the most necessary thing to share. 

Slightly horrified and amused and bewildered and in awe to find that this was one of my friend's yearbook covers her senior year. Um. How did this happen? Usually yearbooks say awfully horrible puns like A picture is worth 2002 words or Life, Camera, Action! or some line from the cheesy inspirational song of the year. But really? Was it good for you? Nice. I'm thinking next year could just say Need a cigarette?
  And... could it possibly mean anything else? Someone played an awesome joke on the yearbook class teacher... or everyone at that school has a hilarious sense of humor. I think the former probably.

This license plate says "SEXYBAB". It got me thinking how much I would have to get paid to drive a car with this license plate for at least a year. I was thinking it would have to be at least 4 grand.

Movie theater in Laguna. Wow. A Harry Potter Burlesque? I know Hermione got "hot" these last couple years.... but never woulda thought. I know the actor that played Harry did some weird naked theater performance... but a burlesque is a whole new ball game. harhar.

This weekend we played Life. I lost. I lost and I was a doctor, made 100k every pay day, had a family and kids, solved the problem of pollution, won the nobel peace prize, wrote a new great American work, found a new form of energy, had 2.6 million in the bank and  retired in Millionaire Estates.
And I still lost. Can't win in this world. Just can't win.

ALSO. I discovered a hilarious hilarious website. Wish I thought of it first.

Here are some favs:

Dear Noah, 
We couuld have sworn the arc wasn't leaving until 5
Love, The Unicorns.

 Dear Voldemort,
A couple of lies would take care of that.
Love, Pinnochio

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea.... Just Kidding! They're all dead.
Love, BP

Dear movie watcher,
Your parents are about to walk in.
Sincerely, The only sex scene in the movie

Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely, Spoon.
Dear Officer,
I can't even say the alphabet backwards when I'm sober! I never took AP Kindergarten.
Sincerely, trying to not get arrested.

That is all. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Why do I....

The dreaded 5 story walk up. Why do I pack so much for trips?

1. Why do I have an irrational fear that the racks when I am shopping are going to poke my eyes out?
I am absolutely terrified and constantly blinking and dodging racks. They freak me out. Wire hangers too. Nothing has ever happened. I wonder what triggered such an oddity. I don't think I have ever met anyone else that has this fear. I did poke my eyeball with a pencil though in first grade. And last year I did get a piece of metal  lodged in my cornea. So maybe just an eye fear? But...I've always had it. Also I have the irrational fear that I am going to sleep walk on to the train tracks behind my house. Morbid AND irrational. I'm a sick sick girl. I have never sleep walked (slept walkededed?) and have no reason to be concerned about this. Nor do you.

2. Why do I always feign interest in the product after I sample something at a store?
Without fail, if I sample something, I will pretend I am somewhat interested in the product. Costco? I'm picking up boxes of taquitos, inquiring how much the spinach dip is, making casual conversation while nodding my head about the benefits of using this fiber based cracker.......when I know I AM NOT BUYING IT. Yesterday, I caught myself doing it without a little sampler person even watching. I was at Lazy Acres (where I lost my keys in the apples for 20 min btw) and I had a little self serve sample of cheese and I didn't like the cheese, but I did a full pick up examination of the cheese for sale. Why? Just in case someone was watching me take the 1 square cm of cheese and so I can show them I am really in the market and not just stealing the tiny cube?

3. Why do I get so awkward when I see a teacher/professor outside of class. 
I keep seeing one of my professors because she drops her son off by where I work. I get really nervous. Avoid eye contact. If she says hi to me I am incapable of making conversation. What is wrong with me. "Uhhh hey! I've been working on that assignment!" WHAT? Why would I say that. AND... I obviously haven't and won't until the morning before class.  I saw an old UCSB professor at Whole Foods the other day and was astonished. Why? Because the man buys bread? Bet he buys butter too..... 

4. Why do I check every time in a show or movie whether the cup they are drinking has liquid?
It bothers me tons when it looks like actors are fake sipping cups. Or like their to-go cup is empty. Why should this bother me at all? It shouldn't... but for the love...can't they just put some coffee in those cups. Water maybe? It's killing me. Or actors, at the very least, try not to wildly gesture with your coffee cup. Everyone knows you'd be spilling everywhere and you're not. And everyone hates you for it. Or just me. 

5. Why do I sneeze at least 5 times everyday when I wake up?
It's true. Ask any roommate. I didn't even know I did it until I had roommates. It's an anomaly. I will not sneeze for the rest of the day and not feel any allergies. But guarantee yourself, if we ever have a slumber party, you will hear my sinuses kicking in to action before my eyes even begin to open. Don't bless me either. It'll get old for you.

6. Why do I hate the cha cha shuffle so much but clap my hands on that one part every time?
You know that song that plays at every dance, wedding, on a cruise 500,000 times. The....right foot two stomps,  left foot two stomps, turn it out one? Well, I hate it. I have done it, yes. But even when I am protesting it and watching... without fail when the part comes on that says "Everybody clap your hands" and then the clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap happens..... I'm clapping away like a fool. It's like my arms can't stop. Must. Clap.

7. Why do I keep myself signed up to get Borders/William Sonoma/Barnes and Noble emails that wake me up in the middle of the night.
What is their deal? Seriously the emails go out at like 1 in the morning and I get an alert that I think is a text or something. So I look. Oh really? You woke me up to tell me that I can get 5 dollars of a 345 dollar pan? Thanks? Oh really I can have 20% off of the latest Sofia Kinsella novel? Great thanks, I was gonna buy it at 2:10 am later. And clearly this bugs me so much. And clearly I am incapable of hitting the link on the bottom that will put all this to rest. But maybe I like misery?

30 before 30

High hopes in BK. I think these are high. But I can do it.
Sooo my roommate did this...chipped off a list of stuff she wanted to do before she was 30. I like it. I am copying. I have about.... 4 years and 3 months to do this... join if you want. Ill do a little update when I check stuff off. I have been compiling this list for a couple months. I'm for realsies about it...

1.Go to Austin, Boston and New Orleans - potential road trip?
2.Watch The Matrix, Lord of the Rings and Avatar so people get off my back.
3.Take violin or drum lessons again (atleast 5)
4. Do a marathon
5. Shoot a gun
6. Buy a road bike
7. Hike the John Muir trail
8. Ride a motorcycle (passenger please)
9. Go to a NFL game
10.Go to Oktoberfest
11. Take a cake decorating class
12. Sew an outfit and wear it at least once
13. Do a 5ft painting
14. Go to a NASCAR event
15. Read Brothers Karamazov 12/27/10/Anna Karenina/Atlast shrugged
16. Hike down in to the grand canyon
17. Learn to crochet a beanie
18. Master cooking a gourmet 5 course meal
19. Go on a fishing trip (like a sea one)
20. Learn to drive a stick/ change my tires / change my oil (sorry dad...I never got the grasp of all 3)
21. Go on a silent retreat (3+ days)
22. Learn basic spanish
23. Take my paints and add on to a hotel painting
24.Grow a veggie garden (to full this time.. ha)
25. Milk a cow
26. Enter a writing contest
27. Be a vegetarian for one month
28. Live on my own
29. Read the bible straight through
30. Mud bath in Calistoga

Thats all.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Flannel fails and robots

Funny adopt a cat sign. This evil eyeless devil cat makes you really want one.

No organized thoughts today. Just some interesting interactions:

1. I felt robbed today when I was polite and nice to a machine. I hate automated customer service to begin with. You always end up yelling strange one word answers repeatedly. "CRUISE!"... "Im sorry what are you checking in for?" "CRUISE!" "We didnt get that, please try again." "CRUISE!!!!!!" "I'm sorry we will have to transfer you to a live customer service rep." "Sorry? No please don't. I'd prefer to be berated by this robot." So lesson learned. Just say absurd stuff and they'll transfer you.  Today was a whole new experience. Here was the automated interaction.

Robot: Hello there, how are you doing today?
Me: Oh fine thank you, how are you?
elaborate pause on the robots part...and where I realize I am talking to a machine
Robot: Oh, I'm great. Thanks for asking.

 What? You're great? You're a robot. This was very weird for me. I am still wrapping my mind around it. I asked a machine how it was doing.  I wonder if it's ever not great? Never a "not so hot today, my robot wife just left me".... or a "pretty tired... I have been working 24/7 for 26 days in a row". Anyway, the interaction left me feeling weird on the inside and kind of embarrassed I fell for the old fake robot trick. (Also.. if you are someone who has a message where you fake answer... nobody thinks it's funny... just you... and actually I am never calling you again...see you never fake answer guy). Anyway. I was formally polite with a robot before 9am. Good thing I was polite though, you never know what robots are capable of. 

2. In the last week flannel has failed me twice. I love a good flannel on a guy. The first flannel fail happened in the baking section of Vons where out of the corner of my eye I noticed a guy wearing a really fantastic purple-y flannel. I was kinda checking him out a bit. Then he turned around. Straight up 70. An old man. I checked out an old man because of a flannel. Jeez.The other time was in Vons again. Why am I in Vons so much you ask? I dunno. Why am I checking out guys in Vons? I dunno.. Its a weird time. But I see a guy next to me in the other line who appears to be my dream man. He is wearing a great dark blue flannel. His sleeves are rolled up. He has some fun arm tattoos. He seems to have an ironic mustache (the best...this guy is obviously funny too). That is until I get a better look at at him and see that this mustache is not an ironic mustache... this is a straight up trashy nasty dirty biker... there is nothing ironic about his tats, flannel or mustache. My my my. Maybe I should stop liking flannel so much. It could end poorly.

3. Another phone interaction today... I hate when people spell stuff out to check to make sure they got the correct letters. This time it was my first and last name. It took like 20 hours. C-cat E-elephant C-cat I-iguana L-leopard..... (continue for 8 more hours) the worst. I had no idea what she was saying. All I could think about was the fact that a zoo full of animals was compiling in my head. I have no idea if the letters were correct. I was just wanting her to stop talking. I could be checked in as Cecilia Koalabearhead for all I know. 

4. Speaking of weird spelling. The other day I looked at my moms phone and she had me under "Cecijjjj". Clearly I asked why such an absurd situation. She said she tried to type cecilia and it wouldn't work... and she couldn't find out how to fix it. So for like a year.... every time she calls or texts she looks up Cecijjjj. I can't even delve in to how absurd this is on so many levels.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

What I learned in school today: 3

Funny little animals on a wall in Williamsburg, NY.

SO... school today yesterday was absurd as always. Couple musings...

1. "Heyyyy.. you clean up well."
So, I had to give two presentations yesterday. I'll admit that I picked out a nicer shirt than usual. Nothing too fancy. A  J.Crew blouse (the word blouse gives me the creeps for some reason). Definitely not even slacks (because that word is way too creepy). Some jeans. Flats. Cardigan. I was feeling pretty good... until I got to school. I got the following comments:

    -"WOahhh... You clean up well" (this one I got twice)
    -"Look at you! Little makeup.. your hair done! Lookin good!" (I do my makeup and hair everyday)
     -"Woahhhh who you trying to impress?!" (My classes are almost all middle aged women)

I just want to talk about "You clean up well." This is a backhanded compliment in my book. I get it a lot. What am I usually wearing that is so awful?! Please someone tell me. It's not like I am a lumberjack or construction worker. I don't wear messy/nasty clothes for a living. I'm not a painter. I didn't just meet these people camping. I don't have swim practice with them. The people who generally say this to me are people in my professional life.... where generally I am looking my nicest. So be warned...  if you tell me "Woah.. you clean up well.." me it says "You dress like a dirty homeless person most days."

2. Nipple Shadow
WHAT? Ya. I said it. You can't just drop a word like that. It happened in one of my classes. This woman was giving her presentation on a client and was going over the clients medical history and casually said in this fashion, "His charts show history of diabetes, a nipple shadow, and potential liver damage from previous alcohol abuse." Ummm.. what. You just said nipple shadow... like it was a cough... or like he had an ingrown toenail on his left big toe. Clearly I immediately burst out laughing and continued to do the stifled laugh/red face/cry for the rest of the 10 minute presentation trying sooo hard not to. Which makes it worse. Because 5 minutes later in attempt to hold a laugh I let out the weirdest noise and the whole class stopped and looked at me.. and all I could muster was a, "sorry.... nipple shadow." Which was weird. And immature. Really blowing it in class. By the way.... a nipple shadow is real and hilarious. You bet I googled the crap out of nipple shadows. It literally is the shadow of nipples on a chest x-ray... but they have to put it in the charts because like 3% of the time its lesions in your chest. Bahhahaha. How embarrassing to have a nipple shadow on your chart? Seems like the medical community made up a hilarious joke.

3. Harry Potter as having early onset severe Paranoid Schizophrenia
So in class yesterday I had to give a half hour presentation. The assignment was to present a fictional adolescent character with a case conceptualization, diagnosis and treatment plan. So... I say to myself. Hmmm.. fictional character... that's someone out of a movie or book. FALSE. Everyone else in my class did fictional characters as in... I made up this case about "Carmen Ramirez"... but she is really one of my clients. I did Harry Potter. I reasonably diagnosed him with Paranoid Schizophrenia.  My proof/reasoning. To make things worse... my professor had never seen Harry Potter. Great. Yes, yes I am 25 years old. I swear.  
Sidenote: I love HP. I know that he is magic. I know he doesn't have a mental disorder. 

4. "So... Queers huh?"
I am in a multicultural clinical skills class. Our topic yesterday was about how to be a "queer ally". I have great friends who are gay. I have people in my family who are gay. Love them. I am an ally.  I have no problem with gay people. BUT... suggestion number 7 on our "How to be a Queer Ally" handout says, "Bring up queer topics in conversation". Hahhahah. I get what it means. It means don't be scared to talk about the issue of homophobia, etc. I'm fine with that. Love it. How it is worded is absurd. "So.. I would like to transition in to talking about some queer things now..." 

Peace up. Nipple shadow. A-town down.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Stuff that's working for me...

So.....ok... I find a lot of stuff funny and I CAN be kind of a cynic about life a bit. I did intend for this blog to be stuff I like too. So... in order make sure people still want to hang out with me and quit saying "are you gonna put this in your blog?" every time they say something absurd.... here is some stuff that's working for me lately:

 I love Elsies because they serve poptarts and kettlechips with a beer. Genius.

 I really love my job at Phoenix House and Mountain House. Both are beautiful locations. Here is a sunset when I was there the other night. I never feel like I am working there. I really love it.

 My house that is now decorated with Christmas because my roommate
and I are going to be gone lots of December.  Come over. I love having people over lately too.

 I love my christmas pajamas. They are ones my cousins have too. I love  opening my christmas pajamas every christmas eve. This year I may have to wrap/unwrap my own christmas pajamas and wear them... wherever I am. These glow in the dark. That's fun.

 I love David Sedaris. This book is hilarious. It's written from the point of view of animals having human interactions. Love it.

 I love these flowers. They were 3.99. They make my room happy. 

 I love this Keel's simple diary for my life right now. I used to journal a lot and then it felt too heavy for a bit. This is a page a day and it just asks you really silly questions about your day. Its fluffy. I dig it.get it here
 This is painted by a kid who has autism that I worked with. He doesn't talk much but he's a very brilliant artist. He paints AMAZING things. his gallery. It's so awesome.

There was a super cool video about Andy Irons memorial paddle out in Hanalei. They took it down. Hopefully they put it back up. BUT... here's some cool pics. If they put the vid up again I'll for sure post it.  

 I love Crush Cafe. On my breaks at Phoenix House I walk over there and grab coffee. Or granola. Or all other things delicious. crush cafe

My cousins band, Warpaint. I really love them. Not because she is my cousin either. I love this video. Its floaty and beauuuutiful. 

I also love this. It's a love blog. It's pretty.

Anyway. That's all for today. Hopefully those give me enough juice for a couple more weeks of sarcasm and people being able to talk around me. Ha.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Storm Silver Metallic

An extremely hilarious ad attempting to make the fit look cool. It's not. But still love the little guy.

First off, I want to begin by saying I drive a Honda Fit....color: Storm Silver Metallic. This is slightly embarrassing. It is shaped like a nose. Or a baby mini-van. My dad decided he was going to buy me a car... which was nice. BUT he gave me 3 options. A fit. A scion (toaster style) and a yaris. Clearly the three weirdest cars he could find. I chose the lesser of the three evils. He then told me he was going to get me one in the burnt orange color. Dodged a bullet. The lord blessed me with a silver one showing up on the lot the same day. I laughed out loud the first time I test drove it. The fit is growing on me though. We have laughs together. Some laughs/thoughts about cars:

1) I was leaving a parking lot the other day and pulled behind a line of cars. It took me about a full minute of waiting for the cars to pull out before I realized I was waiting behind cars... that were parked. I felt embarrassed and laughed a lot. I looked around to see if anyone saw. I never know what do with stuff like that. It's like when you fall and you don't know if anyone sees whether to pretend it didn't happen... or flag someone random down yelling "did you see that??"... because it's more embarrassing if you get caught playing it off. 

2) I'm super uncool when it comes to my car and someone telling me to roll down my window. I always without fail hit the window button to roll down the window behind me. EVERY time. Not smooth cece... not smooth at all. Also... now that were on it. The universal signal to roll down your window... is crank style. Power windows anyone? I think that we should start transitioning in to 21st century people. I don't know what the universal symbol should be though. The index finger and the point down (signifying how you really unroll windows) could be misconstrued very easily. You don't wanna pull up to a car and ask for directions and accidentally have them thinking you are pointing to your crotch or something. Things could get weird.

3) What is it about when you see someone driving the same exact car as you? You feel like you have to acknowledge them. It's like a rule though if its the same color. Why is this? It's like your in a club together. My club is kind dorky (sorry Ryan...). I found myself pulled up at a light next to a storm silver metallic fit..... and we looked at each other... and I did (I'm embarrassed to even say) ... A HEAD NOD. What!??! Like.... a "whats up". Look how cool we are.... in our fits...then I remembered... we were in fits. I have never head nodded someone in my life. And I did it about my fit. Then I had to sit at the light in embarrassment of what I had just done. 

4) Exactly 3 people have hit and run my car while I had been in it. The last time it happened it was an old lady. Then she yelled AT ME to move. What!?!? Excuse me lady. You just HIT MY CAR. Oh well. 

5) Occasionally at the gas station I'll accidentally hit the more expensive gas button instead of the unleaded one and I will get really mad at myself? WHY? Because I just spent 43 extra cents? AH! 43 cents. Now my kids can never got to college and my car might run a little better! Also... I don't like when people casually talk to me at the gas station. I mean its nice and all... but I have a 10 gallon tank. It doesn't take long to fill up. Were not gonna delve in to deep stuff here. And I'll never see you again. The other day a man lectured me about the uneven wear of my tires. In this 39 seconds it takes to fill up my car he made me feel like turning the nozzle on myself and then lighting a match. "You need to get these fixed. Don't you have a boyfriend to do this for you?"... umm actually no.. we uhhh.. ya.."Well..Where's your dad?" ...uhh actually my parents just moved to Hawaii. "Well who watches out for you little lady?"... ummm... Ian... at Ian's tires on Hollister. Thanks guy.

6) I duck when I go in to parking garages. WHY? ALWAYS. The parking garage would have to be like 4 feet high in order for me to scrape the top of my car and head off on the way in. AND I CAN NEVER manage to pull up to get parking tickets out of the little meter thing at parking garages. It's really anxiety  inducing. The struggle of me vs. seat belt vs. distance away from meter vs. timed pressure from vehicles behind you vs. embarrassment of having the open the door and get out and get it ...leaves me needing to pop a xanax from all the stress. Generally it looks like seat belt choking me while trying to extend my arm go-go-gadget style out the window and barely grasping the ticket with my finger tips. Then I lose it anyway.

7) If you have 100 bumper stickers on the back of your car about the NRA, or hating Obama, or trying to save the world.... whatever to you. I can not pay attention to anything you are saying. Pick a cause. And ONE bumper sticker. Maybe two max. Preferably none. If you have something to say you are probably not gonna change the world by bumper sticker alone. You may just further people who don't agree with you to have more road rage. Also ..Honk if you love Jesus. God is my co-pilot. Jesus would have used his turn signal. Got Jesus?Its Hell without him. Jesus loves the hell out of you. The religious ones are the worst. I love Jesus with the best of em.. but for the love... any bumper sticker with the mention of hell... probably extremely offensive and a no go. Nobody is converting because of an offensive uppity bumper sticker. People WILL be more annoyed at Christians though...

8) Please don't get those license plate covers that say "Daddy bought it, I got it". I will have a hard time with you. The other day I saw a guy who was driving like a camry or something with a license plate cover that said "My other car is a Taurus". Hahah. He totally missed the joke. Ummm.... guy you are supposed to pick a really cool car.... not ACTUALLY say what your other car is. Not that the Taurus is the definition of uncool. No worries. I drive a Fit. 

Honk if you love the fit.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What I learned in school today Part 2: Shut my mouth. Jokes unwelcome.

graffiti confusion. I like.
I am quickly learning that jokes in clinical settings with supervisors and professors are not welcome as a therapist. Not only are they not welcome, but they are to be completely ignored. Not only are they to be completely ignored, but you will be looked at like you are an 6 year old alien. I'm learning to hold my tongue to say the least. Clinical Psychology = jokes are bad. In my head...this crap is heavy... you HAVE to lighten it up. But no, the response I get is only a little less of a tough crowd than when Michael Richards went crazy  and dropped N-bombs in his stand up. (That was super crazy of him BTW, what was he thinking, "I have had a successful career thus far.... I want to end it immediately.")

Stuff that hasn't gone over well in the last week:

Class last week: We had just finished watching the most boring movie I have ever seen of a play therapy session with a little girl who had been having trouble sleeping.
Professor: So can any of you recommend anything for a way to help the kid fall asleep?
Alien: (under breath..) ya... tell the mom to play that movie for her.
Professor: Excuse me? (paired with the most serious death stare ever)
Alien: Oh.. uh nothing. Maybe uhhh.. advise the mom on a token economy reward system? (nice recovery points)

Meeting with my supervisor last night. We had finished talking about the kid clients we shared.
Supervisor: Ok cecilia, well I think were done. I don't think we have any other kids together.
Alien: Ya. Im pretty sure I would know if we had kids together. (chuckle)
Supervisor: (blank death stare) Ummm... what?
Alien: Oh nothing. Sorry. Uhhh.. see you next week. 

 Class today. We were reviewing the case file of a girl who ran away to live with her boyfriend in Idaho.
Professor: So what do you guys think?
Alien: Well... what is in Idaho? What part did she move to and why?
Professor: Ummm... Moscow I think.
Alien: Oh.. it seems we have a bigger problem. 
Professsor: What's that?
Alien: Well.... she seems to have actually moved to Russia.
Professor: (blank stare)
Alien: Sorry. Ya. bad joke. Moscow, Idaho. Got it. 

Class today half hour later. We are reviewing a case of another girl.
Professor: (describing the case for 5 min) blah blah.. client comes in presenting with the problem that she has bitten her step dad and made him bleed...blah blah blah. What would you diagnose the client with?
Alien: Well... Axis 1 I would say either maybe Bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder.
Professor: Any Axis 2 Clinical Diagnosis?
Alien: Yes... Vampire
Professor: (blank stare round 500) What?
Alien: Just kidding. Biting is very serious. I am sorry....

Anyway... back to class for the next couple hours. Definitely keeping my mouth on lock.

SIDE NOTE: Clients cases were hypothetical case vignettes in class and Im not breaking confidentiality. Don't you worry. Also... I can refrain from making jokes during real therapy sessions. I have boundaries... gimme a little credit.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Cece....please dont break the slide!

A colorful collection. Fun ceiling of a bar in NY.

So... I work with little kiddos who have autism. They are some of the most hilarious people I know. Generally this is because they have about zero filter. Some get a little confused.  Today I was playing with one of my kids at his recess and he casually reminded me, "Cece... please do not go down the slide with us. You are much much too big. We all would still like to use it for recess." Thanks. Yes. I was going to the break the giant playground slide with my enormous bod. It inspired me so share a few of my favorite convos over the last couple years.

1) Boy, Age 5.  We are setting up to play candyland
Me: Ok. So which one are you going to be? (pointing to the little candyland men)
Kid: I want to be the gay one.
Me: Oh.. uhh. the green one you mean?
Kid: No CECE! The GAYYYY one.
Me: Um. What does that mean?
Me: Oh. Ummm. You should probably just say boy instead of gay. 

2) Boy, Age 4. I had just walked in to his house
Me: Hey!!!!
Kid: Hey Cece. You look sexy today.
Me: What??
Kid: I like your sweater. You look sexy today.
Me: OH. What does that mean to you?
Kid: You dont know? Sexy means like....precious and beautiful
Me: Oh well thank you. Cute would be a much better word to use from now on.

3) Boy, Age 5. He had just gotten really mad at me.
Kid: Cece... You are JUST SUCH AN IDIOT sometimes (he says while shaking his head in disgust)
Me: Ok. I am sorry you feel that way. You can not say those things though. I would like you to apologize to me and tell me what you did wrong.
Kid: I am really sorry I had to tell you that you were being a real idiot.

4) Boy, Age 4. We were playing dress up at school. He gave me the princess crown to put on and he put on the knight outfit.
Kid: Ok princess. You stay here in the tower.
Me: Alright. Then what?
Kid: Well, you know, then the bad guys are going to come break in and steal you away from the tower.
Me: OH well good thing I have my own knight! Are you going to protect me?
Kid: Ummmm (looks at his kid watch).. no its 8. I have to go to work. Maybe when I get home.

Pretty much everyday is ridiculous. I laugh a lot.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Little of this.. little of that...

Today was slightly absurd for the following mish mosh of reasons:

1) 5 hours of clients bailed today. Literally. 5. The last client bailed as she was walking away from me and didn't know I saw her. I called her on her cell to see where she was going and immediately she anwered and said "Ya, I can't make it today. I'm pretty busy". Hm thanks. I know you made it. Busy walking away.

2) My gym called to  tell me they noticed I'm lazy. I wasn't aware this happened to people or I would have never joined. I felt the need to explain my life got a little messy and defend myself. Ironically my friend and I planned to go to morning yoga tmw. Now I can't bail. Damn. The horrifying convo was such:

-Unknown number calls.
ME: Hello?
Girl: Yes hello. Is this cecilia? This is stephanie from Spectrum.
ME: Oh ya... ummm hi?
Girl: Ya well, I was just calling to check in on you because we noticed you had been doing really well and coming in pretty consistently and then about a couple of months ago you really tapered off.....
ME: Oh ummmm ya I--
Girl: So is there anything wrong?
ME: Oh ya.. no  I just had some stuff going on.. and I uh... Ya well.. I got busy and some things happened so.... ya no.. its...
Girl: Oh ok, so busy?
ME: Ya.... I just... ya...
Girl: Oh ok, well can I schedule some personal training times for you to come in and we can get you started up again?
ME: No actually. I uh.. I AM starting up again. Well.. uhh.. my friend and I are coming tmw for the morning yoga class!
Girl: Right.... Well Ok then.... well... We hope to see you back around!
ME: Oh okk.. uhh.. thanks?

3) I went to the craft store to get some yarn to knit a new beanie. Picked up a crocheting book because I thought that might be fun to learn too. Quickly put it down after realizing all I was going to learn was how to make my husband look ridiculous.... and like he likes men.

4) Went to CVS to pick up a few items. Did not pick up a few other items such as:
Oh true fun. Shoot, I really have been missing out. All this time and true fun merely lies in a peace sign snuggie.

Reallllllllly using the term "designer" loosely these days.

 Oh the old 19.99 leather jacket in a bag trick. Wait, What?! Two side pockets AND and inside pocket. This must be a dream. Im in. Such a steal... and its usually worth 50 bucks. Suckers.

4) After I recovering from the horror that was CVS I went to get coffee. They were selling this lovely piece of merchandise. Really? What happens in Goleta stays in Goleta? Not even like.... isla vista... santa barbara even? And really? Black wife beater? And really? At a coffee shop? Who buys this.

 5) And last but not least.. I was introduced to this little hilarious gem of a website about the horrors of auto correct on the iphone. I havent laughed this hard in the longest time. My worst auto correct moment was definitely when I was telling one of my friends to come over a couple of years ago. I like to call people goons sometimes. She had very recently come out to me as being gay. The text I meant to send "Come over goon!"... the text I sent "Come over homo!".  Thanks auto correct. Jeez.

And with that I leave you...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Its not me... its you..

Dear Netflix,

We have been together for almost 3 years. I have showed you over and over again which moves I like and which movies I don't like. Sometimes I feel so loved by you because you truly understand me. Thank you for recommending Gigantic and I'm Reed Fish. I loved these. It was then that I first felt you knew me. 

Recently though, I have to tell you that I am growing nervous that you may not know me at all. Have you not been paying attention to me and my likes? Is there someone else?  Have I put too much pressure on you to be something you are not? Lately you have really just been blowing it big time. Today, when looking for a new movie I came across these recommendations, and I have to say... you have no idea who I am.

Um. Have you seen the office? Have you seen 30 Rock? Have you seen Arrested Development? They are hilarious. In season 2 of all of these was there some part about the Lost Boys of Sudan coming to America that I don't remember? Was there something particularly heart breaking and depressing that happened in these seasons? I surely can't recall. Is this some kind of a sick joke? You are sick. I dont even know you...

Um excuse me. Just because I didn't WANT to see The Hurt Locker doesn't mean you should try to trick me in to it saying that since I enjoyed a silly Zooey Deschanel romantic comedy... that I would feel the same about a super serious war movie. Jeez Netflix. Trickery? I thought we were above this...

 Um, are you doing drugs? Where were you last night even?

Alright, were done. I want to see a documentary on the torturing and killing of innocent dolphins because I like laughing out loud constantly at how ridiculous Tracy Jordan is? I want to see baby porpoises slaughtered because I find Liz Lemons boyfriends to be some of the best characters ever made? Thanks. Now you are just trying to upset me.

It seems like you have some explaining to do. I hope we can work this out.... because I really do like you. Please try to be better about this. We all have misunderstandings, but you are crossing the line.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What I learned in school today

Neato Graffiti/Why my brain doesn't stop racing in class
 So... on Wednesdays I have class 9-9. Generally I glean a little bit of knowledge about therapy....but mostly my thoughts are racing about whether the girl next to me has a secret microphone hooked up to her carrots or whether the teacher knows she whistles when she says her "S" sounds.  Here is what I learned today at school:

1) Kiwi/Green-Apple flavored Halls cough drops should be banned. 
      I was so bored in my last class that I was eating delicious cough drops that I had in my bag from the week before. I had atleast 10 cough drops over the 2 hour period before I read the back of the bag. I know.. I know... 10 cough drops out of boredom is excessive... but have you ever been in a multicultural clinical skills class? Anyway, at about hour two I finally got so bored that I decided to read the back of the bag. First off, how many cough drops you should have: 2. Then the warning in the "other information" section in a tiny bullet point that read "Excess consumption may have a laxative effect". UMMMM hello. I dunno, perhaps 10 is excessive?!? JEEZ. I don't care about your vapor action formula or your ability to cool nasal passages... tell me straight up ON THE FRONT that if I binge eat your cleverly disguised in a super great flavor mentho-lyptus poison that I am going to be sitting in class for the whole next hour waiting for something worse than peeing my pants in kindergarten. Gosh. So far so good. But really Halls? A tiny bulleted point?

2) Everyone knows that when someone spits on your face when they're talking, you CAN'T wipe it.
      WHY IS THIS? I was doing a role playing therapy exercise with a partner and the worst happened and a tiny little spit came flying and landed ever so presently above my top lip. I didn't wipe it, but spent the next 3 straight minutes feeling it on my face. Why didn't I wipe it? Because I didn't want her to know that she spit on my face. Why? I have no idea? It would be embarrassing to  her? Who cares!? Stop being a face spitter! I could feel it burning a hole through my skin and had no idea what she was telling me (probably something traumatic and deep) and a whole three minutes later was able to feign a face itch while ever so slyly brushing of the sick spit. I spent the next 7 minutes pondering why I couldn't have just faced this dilemma and wiped it, laughed about it and moved on. 

3) In other cultures it is culturally insensitive to give a firm handshake and instead is acceptable to provide the floppy fish hand.
      This is the one thing I really did learn in class, but was so horrified that for the next 20 minutes I pondered if I would even be able to hold a therapy session with a grown man who offered me a palm down top of the hand floppy fish grip. I decided I probably wouldn't be able to.  Either that, or I would be tempted to teach him a lesson and give him the shot gun handshake where I grip his forearm with my left hand and shoot him. Sorry, I know it may be cultural, but I don't think I can handle the floppy lady fish every week. Referral please.

4) Passing people on the sidewalk when they are walking too slow is a delicate and carefully crafted art.
      On the way back from lunch I was faced with the problem of someone in front of me walking slower than I could handle in order to get back to class in time. They weren't walking particularly slow. It would have seemed over ambitious to pass him, but I had to do it. It is very awkward. I increased my stride length and speed and passed him. Once passed the slow moving human, you must be careful not to look back, you must be sure to keep this same speed so that they think you walk at this ungodly pace always, and you must do it casually and gracefully so as to not look like an uber speed walking dork. Oh what? This? No I walk at olympic speeds always.

That is all I learned today. Need a therapist?