Thursday, January 27, 2011

Snobs, Siphoning and Sophonophore

1. I slept in today until 9. I admit it. I am not one of those people ashamed to sleep in. If you are one of those sleep-shamers... cut it out. REM it up. You know the type. If you don't... its probably you. 

Sleep shamer: What'd you do today?
Sleeper: Oh not much. Woke up at 9:30. It was great.
Sleep shamer: Gosh (with shameful eyes). I could never do that? Don't you miss mornings?
Sleeper: Oh ya.. (feel guilt and insert excuse about why you were up so late the previous night here)
Sleep shamer: Sometimes it feels like you have wasted half your day!
Sleeper: Totally. (While thinking, "Totally not. If by wasted you mean was comforted by my t-shirt sheet pillow and blissfully dreaming then yes. My day was wasted. And don't worry. I stay up late to make up for that lost half of the day. I won't tell you that either. You shun late-stayer-uppers too.")
Sleep shamer: Ya, it just feel so good. For instance, this morning I got up, went for a run, and scrapbooked for a half hour before work. Can you believe it?
Sleeper: Oh wow ya.. (while thinking "NO. I can not believe it. Really. Why would you ever do that. I prefer the feel of my matress on my bod to the feel of the morning sunlight. Write a poem or something.")
Sleep shamer: You know. You should really try it. You just feel great the rest of the day.
Sleeper: Oh well I mean.. usually I wake up at 6... (total lie to get the sleep shamer off your back. They don't give up until you agree to greet the dawn with a smile)

2. Yesterday I realized an important new transition in the realm of book snobbery. I love reading. I try not to be an ass about it. Book people have a way about making people who don't read as much feel bad. I do it all the time and instantly feel like jackass. I found a new one this weekend... because I did it... and instantly knew it was going to the the 3rd of the standard book snob rebuttals.

-The I'm better than you movie rebuttal
       -"Oh hey did you see the new _____movie?"
      -"Ya. Ehhh. I thought they did a good job, but the book was way better. You've read it right? Oh? No. Well you should."

-The top ten bestseller rebuttal.
     -"Oh have you read the new _____"
     -"Oh ya... it was alright. I mean... you know... you expect it. The writing is not amazing... but its.. fun. I can see why people (and by saying this word people you mean to say all other people in the world who don't love McSweenys, haven't read Flannery O'Connor and aren't "working through the classics right now"... and for that who you are so clearly above) would like it.

-The iPad/Kindle rebuttal (the new offense)
       -"Oh i just love my new kindle. I just downloaded _____"
      -Look of disgust paired with "Really? See.. I just love the feel of books and paper and having a library"

Sorry friends. I'm working on it. I will never do the last again. I will think it every time though.

3. My predictive text is hilarious lately. And who uses these words? 

This took 4 tries to celebrate my excitement instead of use a weird word... siphoning and sophonophore (cool band name?). Yep also need to charge my phone. AND come to think of it... have that glass of wine. And some definitions.
 One who is referred to as eponymous is someone who gives his or her name to something

refering to a wide variety of devices that allow the flow of liquids through tubes

 A place in New South Wales, Australia

 A class of marine invertebrates

And this is just horrifying..

thats all. byebye.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Monday funday....I mean...

Just one of those days. Didn't even get any tequilla with that worm.

Today I realized I have been protesting my own blog. I think I got bored of myself. Or told myself I had to write more often... and nobody tells me what to do. So I stopped. Doesn't make much sense. Anyway. Im back. Either that or I just am trying to keep you guessing. Playing hard to get. Here are a jumbled unrelated group of thoughts.

1. I have said it many a time. WHY oh why can they not fix that little bit of crusty lotion at the lotion spout!? . We have amazing technology. Man was on the moon a long time ago (maybe not for some of you conspiracy folk). People don't read books made out of paper anymore. A hovercraft being controlled by an iphone hovered in front of me and took a picture of me in brookstone the other day (seriously--while i was in a massage chair). Google maps blow my mind. It seems if we could figure out how to clone stuff, there is some scientist out there who could figure out how to get rid of that lotion crust. You either have to flick it... which is weird... or try to rub it in. Either way its disgusting. I'd rather have crocodile legs.

2. I am thoroughly creeped out by the way the english spell some things. I bought a book in Europe. The word pyjamas is so weird. I feel dirty saying it. It feels so very wrong. And colour? Why? Ugh. What colour are your pyjamas?

3. I love santa barbara. This week it is 70+ everyday. This is fantastic. It is also horrifying. It is supposed to be winter. I went to Europe. I did my own version of Eat, Pray, Love.... but honestly it was mostly just Eat, Eat, Eat....which was fantastic, but I expected to have a little room to budge when I got back seeing as how it was still "winter". I get back and its swimsuit season. Oops?

4.What does "tour de force" mean?  And why is every great movie, person or book described by the critics as a "tour de force". Cut that out people. It means nothing. They got together and made up an absurd term to trick all us non-critics. It's not like you can use it in conversation. "How was black swan?" ..."Ah.. ya... well you know.. it was a tour de force". Tour-de-what-do-you-mean.

5. I find it amusing when you are getting in line for an ATM and someone else is walking roughly the same pace.... and it's a total race. You have to be kinda steady. Can't look like you are trying to hard. At some point you have to do the cut off and just assert your lead a little bit. Oh excuse me, I am much too busy to wait for you to deposit your check (without a envelope for all you Wells Fargo folk--see, totally in the future --its super amazing), I am super important. I can't be bothered. Also, I'd totes win in a speed walking race sucka. Same for grocery stores, except how fast you walk totally depend on the amount of groceries your opponent has. This makes for an even more awkward situation as carts generally have momentum. Oh what? You wanted your hip? Well, I wanted to buy this food for a family of 40 and seeing as how you have an apple and a loaf of bread, I just can't let you go ahead.

6. Speaking of check out counters... checkers should never comment on your food. Trader joes checkers really blow it. 2 real life examples:

Checker: Wow, looks like your having a party?
Me: Ya, inviting some friends over.
Checker: That's great. Your husband must really appreciate that.
Me: Ya, no... I don't have one
Checker: Well... your boyfriend must.
Me: Nope. None.
Checker: Oh well... hmmmm. It's ok. (sad and concerned look in his eyes). Somebody will someday.
Me: Oh. Thanks. (Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!--internal)

Another time:
Checker: Looks like you are stocking up.
Me: Ya, haven't gone grocery shopping in awhile.
Checker: Ya, well it'll last you and your family a while.
Me: No.... just... me.

Thanks Trader Joes for making me want to step out of line and buy a box of chocolate covered jojos and two buck chuck... to be consumed in their entirety immediately

7. It's super embarrassing how much I love Taylor Swifts last cd. It makes me want to post lines on my facebook status like I was 13. I won't. Don't worry. But I want to... and that's bad enough.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Musings courtesy of Dayquil brain

Graffiti love in Florence
Little sick today. 2nd day home. Feels good. My head is kinda bored and hopped up on cold meds. Kinda fun to do nothing though. Some thoughts:

1. My dad called me. He never calls me. He called me at 2AM sunday to wish me happy birthday. It was not my birthday. Convo:
Phone rings. See my Dad's number... who never calls me. So I am worried something happened..
ME: Hello? Everything ok?
DAD: Oh hey cecilia. Ya.. still up?
ME: Um...I uhh... no I was sleeping.. but.. its 2.. so it scared me when you called... so i answered... so...
DAD: Oh ya... you're right. Sorry. Just got off work. Just calling to say Happy Birthday.
ME: Thanks. Its ...uhhh... it's not though.
DAD: OH... shoot. It's not?
ME: Uh.. ya no. Well. Almost. It's Melissa's birthday. Well. Yesterday. Because it's 2.
DAD: Ohhhhh..ok. Well. Alright. So..... Europe fun?
ME: Um ya. It was. But... can we talk about this later? It's 2.
DAD: Alright.. welll uhhh.. ya! Sorry bout that.

 2.  Tissues. Must be the saddest objects in the world. Only used if you are sad, or sick. On the subject of tissues. Why must all commercials for tissues and cold products be the worst commercials ever. There is the tissue commercial where they are animated with big heads and get red noses. There is the mucinex commercial which is just so annoying. I hate it. There is the one where the real life people get huge heads. Killing me. Also... tissues with lotion in them... the concept blows my mind... but they are the bomb. 

3. I have been wearing a onesie footy pajama almost 36 hours now. It is fantastic. I think in real  life work situations there should always be one pajama day every  year. Makes life so much more fun I would imagine. School totally had it right growing up. Do you remember how exciting pajama day was? Twin day was cool too....except my best friends were twins. They kinda stole all the glory.

4. Haven't been super hungry. Ate some popcorn last night. Can you imagine the excitement of being the first person to discover popcorn? What a great discovery. And the first person who decided it was a great thing to eat during movies? Worst person ever. I want to kill them. Nothing worse than ol' popcorn cruncher next to you chompin' away like it's their private show. Get a room. 

5. Orange Juice... OJ. Is orange juice really that hard of a word to say that we have an common understanding about the shortening of this juice's name. When people say it it makes me feel like they have this close connection with orange juice... and I am on the outside looking in. How come not apple juice as AJ? Or grape juice? Pass the GJ. Not the same ring at all. Actually .... just kinda creepy. 

6. Kinda want a sandwich. But I can't decide. Sandwiches are hard for me and I almost never order them because I never know what to do about the pickles and peppers. I love pickles. They totally dominate the sandwich though. So I take them out and eat them separately. I wish I could just say "pickles on the side please". This is too much work though and I hate those kind of people who do stuff like that. Also.. peppers. I like bell peppers. I like them on my sandwiches. But when a sandwich maker asks, "Peppers?" he is lumping all peppers in to one category.  And therein lies the dilemma. I don't like jalapenos or pepperoncinis. But if you say no peppers... our friend the Bell is out. But if you don't want jalapenos or pepperoncinis... you have to say it. This leads to one of the hardest mouth exercises and mind confusion in the world. Let me begin with pepperoncinis. What is up with that word. When you say it... where does the ON disappear to? Also... it reminds me too much of a pepperoni. There should not be a word that is that similar that mean such different things. Jalapenos...... where to begin. It's own column to start with....

7. The problem with jalapenos. The problem with jalapenos... besides that they are too spicy and dominating for my liking... is that you have to say the word jalapenos. In doing this you must decide if you want to say the word like a white person or if you want to say the word with a mexican accent. This is one of the biggest dilemmas faced in California and the world over today. Chances are... if you live in California.. you know HOW to say the word "jalapeno" well as many other words. But are you the kind of person who will be casually talking and slip in a totally mexican accent on one word and then continue on? I totally get it. You know how to say the word. You shouldn't pretend you don't know how to say the word. More power to you. It would be sillier to pretend not to know how to say it.  BUT...I will always laugh at you. Don't be offended. It is just one thing for me that never gets old. Luckily Santa Barbara has many chances for people to demonstrate their Spanish speaking skills sporadically throughout normal conversation and luckily for me... I always get a kick out of it. 

8. One thing I am never confused about on sandwiches ..... avocado. Always a yes. The other day the person abbreviated it "ADVOC" on my sando. I didn't like it. It isn't an advocado.

9. One thing I am worried about with this blog is that people are going to discover how much I find annoying and never want to hang out with me. If you spell things wrong, have extra picky sandwich orders, say "jalapeno" correctly, say OJ, if you chew popcorn in a movie theater loudy... it's ok I still like you and really would like to be friends still. Ok. Almost. Popcorn friend? You're out.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Christmas is forever... and other such things

Europe was full oh hilarious things. Already told you a few. Here are some pictures to go with. Too lazy to figure out how to rotate the pics. Tilt your head. Deal with it.

Sky mall ad. A shoe to relieve your pain. Do they think this logo is going to catch on? How did this get by marketing? A defunct Nike swoosh? Or a shoe that can impregnate you?

Another Sky mall ad. Shots of fruit. Good thing. I have been really sick of eating apples. They take up way too much time. 45 seconds worth of eating a banana? I can't be bothered with such things....

Sky mall ad again. The most embarrassing version of a snuggie for women. The wish wrap. It has a wish pocket... so you can carry around your wishes. Just what I always needed.

Worst. Jeans. Ever. Fake butt wings? One cheek angel. One Cheek devil. On a man. Really?

Europe has the most masculine cars. Happy 16th timmy! We got you a panda.

I get it. You don't want me to lose this right?

Free Willy 3. The upscale jewelery store.

Yogurt tagged up lots of florence. Wonder how he got his nickname?
Translation error.. or perhaps just a fan of fruit on the bottom and healthy probiotics?

My hair. Washed with a bar of soap. Never. Again.

An advent calendar I was excited about. And then... it was all butts. How merry.

My hostel had a party. Everyone got masquerade masks. Mine looks like a mexican wrestler. No wonder I didn't get a smokin new years kiss.

Tried to order wine. By myself. They brought me a pitcher. Very embarassing to be the single lady drinking a PITCHER of wine. Milantowndrunk2k11

So...what exactly are you selling. A bag with weird mermaid pictures?

Hope this doesn't ever come in style here. These are fake "double layer jeans". To fool people in to think you are wearing two pairs of jeans. To fool people in to thinking you are the weirdest person alive.

Oh forever? Really? Great news.

Wind blown, dyed, curly mullet. With earring. Nuff said. 

Friday, January 7, 2011

10 things I learned in Europe...

Hilarious graffiti outside a museum. Note the double stache.

Hello friends. Im back in the game. I actually missed this little bloggy. Just returned from a little trip to Europe (Morocco, Portugal, Spain, France and Italy). Things are beyond absurd there. Too much to even write about. I do have to mention some things that I learned when I was there though... so here we go...

1. When an Australian says they are going to go fill up their water-bottle in the toilet, do not be horrified and look at them with a disgusted face. Everyone thinks Americans are snobby enough. They will be confused and ask why you don't do such a thing. If you respond that it is because in America only dogs do such things, this does not make you more popular. Note: Toilet means bathroom. This simply means, they are filling it up in the bathroom sink.

2. If you go on an Italian cruise they will try to make you join approximately 12 conga lines per day. The ratio of refusing conga line joining and maintaining your dignity and to joining has to be about 9:1. Per every 9 times your refuse, you must join so as to not seem like you are not completely too cool and scoffing at their conga lines. Said Italians would get offended. 

3. Do not stretch in places where there are many different cultures in one place. If you are standing looking at paintings for 4 hours and feel the need to stretch your back and one leg at the same time, and you happen to bend over while stretching one leg out, someone from a different culture may take this as the fact that you are performing a grand bow to them and they may bow in return. Following moments could be extremely awkward, yet equally hilarious. Actually, on second thought, do it. 

4. If you are taken in by locals in a fishing town and and old man offers your BBQ'ed lamb on french bread in return for marriage go ahead and accept it. It will be delicious. You will never see him again. And if you do, well hell.... he makes some good meat. Things should be ok?

5. If you are in line ANYWHERE in Europe expect people to invade your personal space in any way they can. All forms of bubble popping are considered ok including but not limited to: trays in your back, breathing on your neck, elbows in your side or spooning standing up. Consider it fair warning. If you are in need of some close physical contact and human warmth and affection, go ahead and try to order a cappuccino in Florence. Your needs will be met. And more. 

6. When a Kiwi says that they are just "taking the piss out of you", don't be worried and think they are going to kick you in the bladder or something. They are just making fun of you or being sarcastic. Also if they say they are going to be a bit neckered later, it means tired and not to be mistaken for naked (although they sound exactly the same). They aren't warning you of the chance of running in to them in their birthday suits. Don't worry too much. They may also end up naked though. A wild sort, they are.

7. If you ever want to be more awkward in an elevator with one person, you should go on a Costa cruise. The inside of the elevators have naked renaissance paintings of women. Nothing says uncomfortable like an eye level 1 foot nipple between you and a stranger in an enclosed space. Seriously. 

8. If you go to a restaurant in Cinque Terre make sure you make sure to go to the one where all sandwiches are names of 90s bands. Be careful when ordering Cake though. You will not get a delectable frosting topped piece of sponge cake, you will get a salami sandwich. Very confusing. Nine Inch Nails and Smashing pumpkins should be ordered though. Quite delish.

9. If you want to see the worlds most overrated and disappointing christmas tree you should go to the Vatican. It is the world's largest charlie brown tree. They will advertise it as being a 100 foot fir tree and celebrate it. No. Don't buy it. It is a 100 foot stick with a couple branches and a few ornaments. Come on pope... step it up. I hear you have some power.

10.  If you all of the sudden think that you are in a riot because the only channel you have been watching is the BBC (only channel in English) and your frame of reference is skewed  and you think that riots are seemingly happening everywhere every second, think again. You may just be in Milan on a day when AC Milan is playing at home on a national holiday that everyone has off. Don't be frightened. You won't be killed. Or you might. They are seriously serious about their soccer.

There are so many things I learned. Here are some fun facts that didn't make it in to the top ten:
-"Sexy night" on an Italian Cruise is not sexy. Mostly 65 year olds in cruise wear.
- Cruise shows in Europe are different. Thongs acceptable. Not the shoe. Also men in butterfly wings and pink camo pants.
- The European version of glee is hilarious. Songs in english. Dancing horrid.
-The discoteca is full of teens. Don't go unless you wanna meet a 16 year old with gelled hair two stepping.
- Said discoteca also full of ridiculous techno. Including a song where the only word is "Barbara Streisand". Also including a song that only says " Sex.. sex.. sex on the beach."
-Honda fits are called "Jazz" there. Could the fit get more embarrassing? Yes.
-Some men find it acceptable to work out in jeans.
-Men dance on tables in bars to allure women. Backward. 
-When you spill bloody mary mix on your lap in the first hour of 16 hours worth of looks and smells like barf the rest of the time.
-Chestnuts roasted on an open fire are the bomb. I've been missing out my whole life.

That is all. Now I can get back to normal weird life.

-ALSO: checked off something on my 30 before 30 list. Read the s out of The Brothers Karamazov.  1/3 of goal #15. Haha. It was a long book. So. Long. Good though. It would help if the translator just helped Dostoevsky out a bit and called the characters by different names (read: Fred, John, etc.). 30 before 30 list.