Friday, July 1, 2011

coffee with a side of milquetoast

Random raccoon bathroom graffiti. I forget where.

Some things I have thought about this week...

1. Popping my hood when there is something wrong with my car. I don't know why I do this. My car has been a goober lately and I think the battery is dying and it keeps not starting. Every time I think I should pop the hood and look under it. In public when it dies I want to do this. I would have NO IDEA what I would be looking for. The engine could be gone for all I know. The entire battery could be missing.  Short of there being a fire in the engine, I don't know what I would be looking for. I may gesture to the windshield wiper fluid and say... ahh yess.. there it is. I knew it. The esophogealcarbolophagus is shot. Phew. Easy.

2. Speaking of gesturing to the wiper fluid... I came in contact with the worst car saleslady in the world and I laughed out loud at her.  She had no idea what was under the hood either. She literally tried to sell a car by pointing to the wiper fluid holder-thingamajiggy... she said "This is nice. If you had a  cup of water you could put it in here". Hmmm yes. I have been looking for something to do with my cup of water. I should probably buy a 30k lexus so that I can put water in the windshield wiper fluid. Problem solved.

3. I think that the milk/sugar stations at coffee shops remind me of a watering hole for animals. People are just dominating their territory making sure they get their stir stick, sugar and milk before someone gets in. Then, its a race for the next person to butt in and stake their claim. I don't so much like people touching me or crowded places, so I am the animal who would die. Survival of the fittest.. and I don't want that elephant elbowing me for a splenda. Sure you big hippo, you take all of the milk, thanks. Ya no I didn't want any that's fine, I just have been waiting here 5 minutes. And don't look at me like..."ohh oops the milk is out?! Pssh this coffee shop"... I just saw you pour out half your coffee and fill it with milk. Order a latte next time and give me some milk too please. Clearly I am the hostile dead animal.

4. I read the most awesome paragraph in the world yesterday. It was about racketeering. I don't really understand racketeering, but whenever someone gets arrested for racketeering, it sounds really fun. Like a mickey mouse club tennis game or something. Sure sure... most likely the mob, drugs and killing, but racketeering is sure fun to say. Also.... it described someone as a milquetoast. I think this has to be one of the best words ever. It means someone who is weak, ineffectual, bland or spineless. I wish I had a band. I would call it milquetoast. Or... not-milquetoast. I dunno. You don't need to worry. I have no musical abilities.

5. This week I have been going to summer camp with one of my kids. I overheard a 5 year old kid explain to my 5 year old kid the definition of karma.

Kid 1- "Hey stop pulling the grass, it's bad karma."
Kid 2- "What? What's karma?"
Kid 1- "Oh it's like if you are bad, the earth will be bad to you."
Kid 2- "Ohhhhh ya. I had karma this week. It was like when I punched Jason in the crotch and then I ran in to a tree."
Kid 1- "Ya ya.. Karma..."


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