coffee with a side of milquetoast

Random raccoon bathroom graffiti. I forget where.

Some things I have thought about this week...

1. Popping my hood when there is something wrong with my car. I don't know why I do this. My car has been a goober lately and I think the battery is dying and it keeps not starting. Every time I think I should pop the hood and look under it. In public when it dies I want to do this. I would have NO IDEA what I would be looking for. The engine could be gone for all I know. The entire battery could be missing.  Short of there being a fire in the engine, I don't know what I would be looking for. I may gesture to the windshield wiper fluid and say... ahh yess.. there it is. I knew it. The esophogealcarbolophagus is shot. Phew. Easy.

2. Speaking of gesturing to the wiper fluid... I came in contact with the worst car saleslady in the world and I laughed out loud at her.  She had no idea what was under the hood either. She literally tried to sell a car by pointing to the wiper fluid holder-thingamajiggy... she said "This is nice. If you had a  cup of water you could put it in here". Hmmm yes. I have been looking for something to do with my cup of water. I should probably buy a 30k lexus so that I can put water in the windshield wiper fluid. Problem solved.

3. I think that the milk/sugar stations at coffee shops remind me of a watering hole for animals. People are just dominating their territory making sure they get their stir stick, sugar and milk before someone gets in. Then, its a race for the next person to butt in and stake their claim. I don't so much like people touching me or crowded places, so I am the animal who would die. Survival of the fittest.. and I don't want that elephant elbowing me for a splenda. Sure you big hippo, you take all of the milk, thanks. Ya no I didn't want any that's fine, I just have been waiting here 5 minutes. And don't look at me like..."ohh oops the milk is out?! Pssh this coffee shop"... I just saw you pour out half your coffee and fill it with milk. Order a latte next time and give me some milk too please. Clearly I am the hostile dead animal.

4. I read the most awesome paragraph in the world yesterday. It was about racketeering. I don't really understand racketeering, but whenever someone gets arrested for racketeering, it sounds really fun. Like a mickey mouse club tennis game or something. Sure sure... most likely the mob, drugs and killing, but racketeering is sure fun to say. Also.... it described someone as a milquetoast. I think this has to be one of the best words ever. It means someone who is weak, ineffectual, bland or spineless. I wish I had a band. I would call it milquetoast. Or... not-milquetoast. I dunno. You don't need to worry. I have no musical abilities.

5. This week I have been going to summer camp with one of my kids. I overheard a 5 year old kid explain to my 5 year old kid the definition of karma.

Kid 1- "Hey stop pulling the grass, it's bad karma."
Kid 2- "What? What's karma?"
Kid 1- "Oh it's like if you are bad, the earth will be bad to you."
Kid 2- "Ohhhhh ya. I had karma this week. It was like when I punched Jason in the crotch and then I ran in to a tree."
Kid 1- "Ya ya.. Karma..."




      
        

Why are fish so thin?

I am done with school and may have a little time again. So... here are some things that have made me laugh lately....

 I don't believe that a stand up comic told this joke. If so, he is the worst stand up comic in the world.

I laughed out loud though... so.. that counts for something..

At the elementary school where I work with a kid sometimes. I wonder how many highly thought out 2nd grade "Your mom is a boy" jokes this spurred on for the poor kid. Also, if all this lady has going for her is she's this poor boys mom, she's gonna have it rough in about 5-10 years when he has her drop him off 3 blocks from school so he won't be seen with her. 

 #1 rule- Stop self-deprecating thoughts.  

 My heart my mom because my mom teachded me the grammars.

 The saddest giveaway pile at school. The epitome of manole. Just in case you can't see, there are graduation precious moments and bear figurines, like 15 video cassettes including one titled "Avoiding Common Discipline Mistakes", green hanging folders, a glasses case, a student health mousepad and a tree painting someone painted that nobody wants. 

 This is a psychologist we were supposed to be watching in class talk about something neurosciencey and important.... but I could not for the life of me listen to anything he was saying because he looked so much like Will Farrell pretending to be a psychologist that I didn't know what to do with myself. 

 Oh gosh. My luck day. Really? Free wire hangers?! Could it be! (see manole)

 Wow. A time control device? In Baja Fresh? This place is high tech. Serious profit margin on those tacos or something.

 This is actually just awesome and I needed to share with as many people as possible. 

Cut my bell pepper and there was a perfect sea horse. Felt weird about eating him.

Where did this guy go? Is nobody worried about spontaneous combustion becoming a real problem these days? Maybe he was just parked in the red and had to get outta there real fast... sans shoes. Can't let those shoes hold ya back when you need to make a quick exit.

Popeye and popcorn procrastination



Strong Arms Robbery.

 I'm supposed to be trying to graduate from my masters program... this week.. and writing millions of pages... but since I am trying to find any way possible to procrastinate... lemme tell you some things that have been distracting my mind....

1. Strong-Arm Robbery is weird. Every single time I hear the word Strong-Arm Robbery (which actually happens to be a lot lately because there are apparently a string of Strong-Arm Robberys taking place here) I think of Popeye with one big strong arm. And someone robbing people with this really strong arm... stealing all of their goods with their bulging bicep... while the other weak arm hangs out trying to help the big strong arm whenever possible. Or like someone who isn't super strong partaking in a Kinda-Strong-Arm Robbery.

2. The instant I ask a waitress what her favorite thing on the menu to order is or her recommendation, I am always mad at myself, because I know 99% that I won't order what she wants (whatta freak, come on... pick something normal girl) and then I will be forced to feel bad for not liking what she recommended and have to do one of these, "Hmmm ya....ok well I'm just gonna go with the salad. The Alaskan King Crab legs that you recommended are 87 dollars so of course you want me to order them. I don't believe that you even like them. I'm really sorry I have now personally offended you. Don't spit in my iced tea when I ask for a refill in 5 seconds. Can you bring me more iced tea? MMhmm thanks."

3. I think popcorn should be a litmus test for ADD. I have to buy twice as much popcorn. And my house always smells burnt. I will always walk away and forget about the first. It will be flaming charcoal hell when I get back to it. The second one I have to stay there. For 2 minutes. And it is the longest. I know I know. Set it for 2. But sometimes it doesn't pop all the way through. Oh my daily woes.

4. Every time I go home my dad asks me how my car is doing. If I were to ever say it was making noise, he would say, "Like what?". And then I would try to make the noise, very embarrassed all the while. And it wouldn't be good enough. Then I would find myself revving and screeching while he's getting frustrated. Right now my car is making this noise that sounds like a cooler with ice in it. This weekend he asked about my car. I said that it was fine because lord knows I can't even try to make that sound. If I could make millions of different car sounds you all should be worried.

5. I am growing a garden. Currently everything is growing except my little Armenian Cucumber. He's dying. I thought if I named him and loved him he would grow. I looked up Armenian names, and he's now Hambo.. which is excellent. Hambo is now growing. What's not growing is my jalapenos (eek word) because something (mexican bug, racoon with a broad taste palate, my cat we kicked out seeking revenge) keeps eating the whole jalapeno every time one starts to grow. I find it odd. I hope that sneeky spicy creature made delicious salsa, either that or choked to death. Sorry.                          
    

The Dog and the Cat



Picture my mom sent me in a text. My new dad... Dog.

 Ok. I think I'm  back. Starting to manage the absurd schedule that is my life....

Thoughts for the evening...

1) Had a kidney infection this past week. In God's glorious irony, Santa Barbara had a Kidney walk this week....when I couldn't walk at all... because of my kidneys. Enough said.

2) I feel embarrassed about saying some rapper's names in the same way that I feel embarrassed about pronouncing mexican words with a mexican accent randomly. Does one just bust out with saying "fitty cent"... or really just claim how not cool you are and say "fifty cent". I'm not sure what to do. I'm ok with Kanye, but if someone asks me who sings the No Hands song, you will not find me saying, "Oh ya... thats Waka Flocka Flame". I most likely will tell you I don't know. Same goes with Fabolous. I just am not gonna say it. Keak Da Sneak? You are totally out.

3) People singing happy birthday is always awkward. Someone always starts too high and the rest of the time you are just trying to hit notes or listening to how horribly your friend is singing while lip syncing so as not to be heard...or maybe that's just me. The other day it was one of my co-workers bdays. It was the most awkward birthday singing ever. Small office. 8 of us. We are sitting in a circle with our chairs (no desk or anythign in the middle). An announcement is made that it is one of the girls birthdays. Someone starts singing. Birthday girl says no. That person stops. Someone else starts really slow. There is no cake. There I find myself slowing singing happy birthday with no cake to someone.. with no end in sight. Atleast when people blow out the candles that is kind of happy and all is erased. The mood changes. Lights usually come back on. Everyone feels more comfortable. Nope. Not this. Straight up just had to try to ease back in to the meeting. "Alright then... wellllll next on the agenda.."

4) About a month ago when the small boat of Americans were hijacked by pirates I began to think the name should be changed. I saw that maybe another Pirates of the Caribean was coming out this weekend. I thought about it some more. Whenever I hear on the news that pirates have hijacked a boat, I do not think bad guys with guns, I think one eyed pirates with parrots and stumps. This is wrong. I vote for a name change for the bad guys taking over ships today. Ya actually, "bad guys who take over ships" will do.

5) My mom has a new cat. It came on Christmas. Just out of curiosity I asked what she named it. "Baby Jesus". Go figure.

6) My mom also recently sent me pictures of Dog the Bounty Hunter. They seem unreasonably close to be taken from her phone. I guess he was at the Hilo Farmers Market. She said, "I got tons!". I might have a new step dad. That might be cool though... if I could take "the Bounty Hunter" as my new last name. No hyphens. Maybe drop the last name. Cecilia the Bounty Hunter. Nice.

7) I love when your friends do the head turn when you type in your password on facebook, login to email or type in your pin number at a store. It's polite I suppose. But the casual glance away is always noted. And laughed about in my head. Its absurdly easy to steal someones iphone and log in their facebook by clicking on the app and upating their status. I found out this the hard way a couple years ago when to my surprise the world wide web was notified about how much I had to poop that day. And to my surprise I wanted to de-friend the people who thought it was me and made remarks like "Cece  you are so silly!". Oops! Defriend. I hope this triggers some status hijackings.

You're welcome...

Manole friends in a manole lawn.

So I have been working too much lately and I have realized it's not so much that funny things don't happen to me....but I can't tell you about them. Stupid HIPPA. I think this blog could take off if I was allowed to tell you things that happened at work. I laugh out loud all the time. 

So since I have nothing  to write about.. I am going to let you in on a little part of my life. I am going to give you a new word. This word is very special to me... and hopefully it will be to you. It takes a little while to learn... but once you have it...you have it forever.

My friend/love/soul sister/old college roommate/Cassady introduced me to this word. It was a word that her grandpa used. The word is Manole (rhymes with patrol) We don't know how to spell it. She imagined an H in there somewhere I believe. The definition is difficult... but don't worry, you will catch on when I give you examples. 

Manole is a feeling you get when you encounter something so average and boring that you get a little bit depressed. It is when something has lost all excitement or specialness. You know you have felt manole when you feel a little bit empty inside and you dont know why. This can happen when encountering a person, place or thing. A thing itself can be manole or can make you feel manole. You will know that you are in a manole conversation when you want to frown and walk away and can't figure out why.

Note: It is not something that is blatantly depressing. Examples to follow.

I called up my sister and had a discussion about all things manole. I passed the word on to her years ago and the rest of my family. She passed it on to her friends. I often get texts from people who are just learning how to use manole asking if something is manole. I feel so proud of them when they get it. My sister has become a manole expert.

Here are some things that are manole or make you feel manole:

-When someone talks about their blog and forces you to read it and you don't find it interesting or funny and then they ask you about it. (I will never ask you if you read this, just in case you feel the need to lie to me)

-Highlights magazine- the worst magazine for children ever created design to bore kids to death before their doc appt.

-The stuffed animals that you win from the claw machine that take like 26 dollars worth of quarters to win and are too cheap to have cotton and instead have tiny styrofoam balls inside.

-Precious moments figurines

-Anything from the Oriental Trading Catalog 

-The VHS pile at every garage sale

-The rotating hot dogs at gas stations... because you know people buy them

-All hotel art

-Any kind of fake flowers, especially if they have fake water

-Obscure stains on waiting room chairs

-When someone gets a bad tattoo and shows you and you have no option but to feign excitment

-Faded black jeans

-Stained lace

-Sun faded christmas lawn ornaments

-Lawn ornaments of any sort actually

-The 2 minute convo you have to have when you run in to someone you went to school with who you haven't talked to for 10 years, and you obviously haven't kept in touch with

-Spending money on toilet paper

-1 ply toilet paper

-Toilet paper with decorations

-Dennys/Applebees/Etc.

-Pleather (double the manole if it is colored)

-Puff paint

-Velcro shoes on people who aren't wearing them ironically

-All local commercials ever made

-Those cone air fresheners that shrivel up and dry

-Any kind of casserole

-Kirkland brand anything (listen... I'm not a snob... I'll buy it.. I just feel manole about it ok?)

-PT cruiser rental cars in burgandy

-The cart at the malls that sell cell phone covers, hair straighteners or heinous belly button rings

-The mall in general 

-Anything wicker that is chipping and white

-David Spade and that guy that played the parrot in aladdin whose name I can't even remember (but not MC Hammer... which we debated.. because that is more depressing than manole)

-Adult sized colored water shoes

-All in one shampoo/conditioner

-So many things on valentines day including cheap waxy hollow hearts, 1 rose wrapped in plastic with babies breath, dyed carnations, pre-written poems to your wife, almost everything

-Hot Topic

-How Drake got famous on that weird canadian show

-Wing specials (My sister and I debated this bc I like them... but her argument was "come on, you eat like 10 modified bird arms in 6 minutes"... so she won that one)

-Comedians that use a dummy

-Pre-popped popcorn in a tin as a gift (although delicious)

-The Macarena

- Lean Pockets

There are so many more. This is just a wide variety of the use. If you want to know if you have one...please ask. Spread the word. Spread the wealth. It comes in handy all the time. 

P.S. just talking about so many manole things made me feel weird...

Snobs, Siphoning and Sophonophore

1. I slept in today until 9. I admit it. I am not one of those people ashamed to sleep in. If you are one of those sleep-shamers... cut it out. REM it up. You know the type. If you don't... its probably you. 

Sleep shamer: What'd you do today?

Sleeper: Oh not much. Woke up at 9:30. It was great.

Sleep shamer: Gosh (with shameful eyes). I could never do that? Don't you miss mornings?

Sleeper: Oh ya.. (feel guilt and insert excuse about why you were up so late the previous night here)

Sleep shamer: Sometimes it feels like you have wasted half your day!

Sleeper: Totally. (While thinking, "Totally not. If by wasted you mean was comforted by my t-shirt sheet pillow and blissfully dreaming then yes. My day was wasted. And don't worry. I stay up late to make up for that lost half of the day. I won't tell you that either. You shun late-stayer-uppers too.")

Sleep shamer: Ya, it just feel so good. For instance, this morning I got up, went for a run, and scrapbooked for a half hour before work. Can you believe it?

Sleeper: Oh wow ya.. (while thinking "NO. I can not believe it. Really. Why would you ever do that. I prefer the feel of my matress on my bod to the feel of the morning sunlight. Write a poem or something.")

Sleep shamer: You know. You should really try it. You just feel great the rest of the day.

Sleeper: Oh well I mean.. usually I wake up at 6... (total lie to get the sleep shamer off your back. They don't give up until you agree to greet the dawn with a smile)

2. Yesterday I realized an important new transition in the realm of book snobbery. I love reading. I try not to be an ass about it. Book people have a way about making people who don't read as much feel bad. I do it all the time and instantly feel like jackass. I found a new one this weekend... because I did it... and instantly knew it was going to the the 3rd of the standard book snob rebuttals.

-The I'm better than you movie rebuttal

       -"Oh hey did you see the new _____movie?"

      -"Ya. Ehhh. I thought they did a good job, but the book was way better. You've read it right? Oh? No. Well you should."

-The top ten bestseller rebuttal.

     -"Oh have you read the new _____"

     -"Oh ya... it was alright. I mean... you know... you expect it. The writing is not amazing... but its.. fun. I can see why people (and by saying this word people you mean to say all other people in the world who don't love McSweenys, haven't read Flannery O'Connor and aren't "working through the classics right now"... and for that who you are so clearly above) would like it.

-The iPad/Kindle rebuttal (the new offense)

       -"Oh i just love my new kindle. I just downloaded _____"

      -Look of disgust paired with "Really? See.. I just love the feel of books and paper and having a library"

Sorry friends. I'm working on it. I will never do the last again. I will think it every time though.

3. My predictive text is hilarious lately. And who uses these words? 

This took 4 tries to celebrate my excitement instead of use a weird word... siphoning and sophonophore (cool band name?). Yep also need to charge my phone. AND come to think of it... have that glass of wine. And some definitions.

 One who is referred to as eponymous is someone who gives his or her name to something

refering to a wide variety of devices that allow the flow of liquids through tubes

 

 A place in New South Wales, Australia

 A class of marine invertebrates

And this is just horrifying..

 

thats all. byebye.

Monday funday....I mean...

Just one of those days. Didn't even get any tequilla with that worm.

Today I realized I have been protesting my own blog. I think I got bored of myself. Or told myself I had to write more often... and nobody tells me what to do. So I stopped. Doesn't make much sense. Anyway. Im back. Either that or I just am trying to keep you guessing. Playing hard to get. Here are a jumbled unrelated group of thoughts.


1. I have said it many a time. WHY oh why can they not fix that little bit of crusty lotion at the lotion spout!? . We have amazing technology. Man was on the moon a long time ago (maybe not for some of you conspiracy folk). People don't read books made out of paper anymore. A hovercraft being controlled by an iphone hovered in front of me and took a picture of me in brookstone the other day (seriously--while i was in a massage chair). Google maps blow my mind. It seems if we could figure out how to clone stuff, there is some scientist out there who could figure out how to get rid of that lotion crust. You either have to flick it... which is weird... or try to rub it in. Either way its disgusting. I'd rather have crocodile legs.


2. I am thoroughly creeped out by the way the english spell some things. I bought a book in Europe. The word pyjamas is so weird. I feel dirty saying it. It feels so very wrong. And colour? Why? Ugh. What colour are your pyjamas?


3. I love santa barbara. This week it is 70+ everyday. This is fantastic. It is also horrifying. It is supposed to be winter. I went to Europe. I did my own version of Eat, Pray, Love.... but honestly it was mostly just Eat, Eat, Eat....which was fantastic, but I expected to have a little room to budge when I got back seeing as how it was still "winter". I get back and its swimsuit season. Oops?


4.What does "tour de force" mean?  And why is every great movie, person or book described by the critics as a "tour de force". Cut that out people. It means nothing. They got together and made up an absurd term to trick all us non-critics. It's not like you can use it in conversation. "How was black swan?" ..."Ah.. ya... well you know.. it was a tour de force". Tour-de-what-do-you-mean.


5. I find it amusing when you are getting in line for an ATM and someone else is walking roughly the same pace.... and it's a total race. You have to be kinda steady. Can't look like you are trying to hard. At some point you have to do the cut off and just assert your lead a little bit. Oh excuse me, I am much too busy to wait for you to deposit your check (without a envelope for all you Wells Fargo folk--see, totally in the future --its super amazing), I am super important. I can't be bothered. Also, I'd totes win in a speed walking race sucka. Same for grocery stores, except how fast you walk totally depend on the amount of groceries your opponent has. This makes for an even more awkward situation as carts generally have momentum. Oh what? You wanted your hip? Well, I wanted to buy this food for a family of 40 and seeing as how you have an apple and a loaf of bread, I just can't let you go ahead.


6. Speaking of check out counters... checkers should never comment on your food. Trader joes checkers really blow it. 2 real life examples:


Checker: Wow, looks like your having a party?
Me: Ya, inviting some friends over.
Checker: That's great. Your husband must really appreciate that.
Me: Ya, no... I don't have one
Checker: Well... your boyfriend must.
Me: Nope. None.
Checker: Oh well... hmmmm. It's ok. (sad and concerned look in his eyes). Somebody will someday.
Me: Oh. Thanks. (Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!--internal)


Another time:
Checker: Looks like you are stocking up.
Me: Ya, haven't gone grocery shopping in awhile.
Checker: Ya, well it'll last you and your family a while.
Me: No.... just... me.


Thanks Trader Joes for making me want to step out of line and buy a box of chocolate covered jojos and two buck chuck... to be consumed in their entirety immediately


7. It's super embarrassing how much I love Taylor Swifts last cd. It makes me want to post lines on my facebook status like I was 13. I won't. Don't worry. But I want to... and that's bad enough.